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I was on Sacred Space(one of my favorites - the link is in the side bar), and they had some thoughts today that seemed to hit home. So I’d like to share part of it. Here is part of what they wrote:
“…When God looks at me, he desires me and is saying: You are desirable. I made you good. I want you. God sees me as his daughter or son, whom he loves. He says: You are mine. His gaze says: I delight in you. Can I accept this gaze of love? Or do I run back into disapproval of myself?….“
I went to confession today - we all go as a family (poor Mike has to wait for us - he starts second grade this year, so not too much longer until he can do more than wait). I felt that giddy feeling afterwards, when your soul is all fresh and clean. I don’t know if others have that feeling, but when I make an honest confession - I feel liberated (and loved)! Anyways, the quote above got me thinking…. I know EXACTLY what this is like!
I had been going to confession once a year (or so) for some time. None of them were as full as they should be, and I should have gone more often. Why was I falling down here? Some of it was pride (what do I need a priest for, I can go straight to God). Some of it was that I didn’t want to confess certain things. Why? Because I didn’t forgive myself. I disapproved of me.
The funny thing is, a lot of people who know me would be surprised at that. When I was in the corporate world, I was seen as confident. Some would have said I could stand a little humility (and they would have been right). But at the same time, I did not seek forgiveness, because I wasn’t able to forgive myself. I am not sure of the exact relationship between this self-disapproval (unworthiness, shame, etc.?) and pride - but I see a connection. What do you think? I really would like your opinions.
Whatever the answer to the connection, I do know this. I finally had a fabulous confession - I laid it all out on the line. I even wrote things down because I wanted to get it all out and have an absolutely clean start. But it required two things: 1. I had to set aside my pride, and humble myself before God, and the priest that stands in for Christ and the body of Christ (that is all of you). Once I humbled myself, I could seek out God and ask for forgiveness. The other thing I had to do, was believe I was worth forgiving. THAT is the connection to the quote above. I think that doing both, humbling myself and believing I was worthy, were two sides of the same coin - I was greater than I feared in God’s eyes, and less than I pretended in my own.
When I made my confession, I said my greatest sin was my pride. I acted as if I knew better than the Church, I didn’t really need a pries to confess all my sins, I knew what was sinful and what was not. But I was afraid to admit this! As I reflect on how I feared bearing my soul (and being vulnerable) in prepping for that confession and how I avoided having that true confession for such a long time, I have to ask why. In the end, it is exactly what the quote above said. Yes I was sinful, but it was my inability to forgive myself that led to a growing rift between me and God. And from that rift, grew my pride (which is a poor substitute for God’s love).
The feeling I had after that confession was unbelievable. I wanted to run out and do my penance immediately. I was filled with joy. I wanted to dance and sing, do things for others, tell people about God, write blogs and leave encouraging comments for others. 
I am happy to say, that I felt the same exuberance today, even though it had only been a little longer than a month since my last confession. Letting God love you, and loving him back is pretty darn good! God’s love, and that fresh clean soul feeling… you just can’t beat it! Thank you Lord for confession!
Tags: Christianity, Catholicism, Pride, Unworthy, Confession
