Yesterday I was writing about whether I am doing all that I should given the talents God has given me. Is this wondering about myself a manifestation of pride? Perhaps I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be, and if I was more humble I would recognize that. I guess I want to do more, and I am dissatisfied with what I have done and am currently doing. I feel the need to give more. I feel so very blessed, but that I have taken too much and given too little.
I look at my parents and others around me whom I would like to imitate (indeed, Christ Himself), and I see people who give more than I think I give. Is my comparison here prideful? I do not begrudge their impact – I am glad of the results and happy to see God’s will done. But I also feel sadness that I am not doing more. When I feel this way, I suspect that God is answering my prayers for greater humility AND shaping me for something that I cannot see.
When I pray on this, I have repeatedly had an image come to me: of metal being hammered as in a forge, as though I am being shaped for some purpose. This image has conveyed a couple of messages. First, being shaped to do God’s will is not pain-free. Second, the one hammering loves the metal and what the metal is and what the metal will become. I feel God’s presence at such times, and I know in my heart that He is asking for my patience and that the hammering is necessary if I am to be what He intends. When this image comes to me, I welcome it. I want to be shaped. I want to become what I am intended to become. Sometimes, I just wish I didn’t have to wait. Patience is not an easy thing for me. I think that is why I need the practice.
